To date I have self-published one novel (Dead Penguins, still available via Amazon), written a second and third that I haven't published yet, and am in the final stages of editing a fourth. The first would stretch the definition of the word seller, leaving bestseller a distant fantasy. Of the others, who knows? However I wrote them before I stumbled upon the formula for writing a guaranteed bestseller. You can write one too by following my meticulously researched guide, available as a PDF upon payment of, let's not be greedy, £20.
I kid of course. Social media is littered with such schemes, mostly spearheaded by unscrupulous people whose real skill is getting suckers to part with their money. On the modern internet, it seems everyone's in it for a quick buck, and the corner frequented by writers is no exception. DMs purporting to be friendly exchanges rapidly turn into an attempt to sell you a service or product. More often than not these days it isn't even a person contacting you, but a sketchy AI bot operating on a sketchy person's behalf. It can be quite demoralising.
But take heart! It isn't all bad. I really do have a guide to writing a bestseller, and furthermore I am presenting it right here, for free. You're welcome. There is one small catch however, which some of you may have already spotted. That's right, I have not actually published a bestselling book yet. This is a minor detail, especially since you are getting this low-down for exactly zero of your hard-won pounds / dollars / groats.
THE FIRST CHAPTER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
Readers don't have time to waste working out whether your novel is worth reading. You have to sock them in the chops with a massive metaphorical fish in not just the first chapter, but the first page. Specifically, slush pile readers and agents don't have time to read much beyond the start so it's essential that your book should be what is known in the trade as 'unputdownable'. Don't attempt to achieve this by putting superglue on the cover, I tried it and subsequently couldn't get the book out of its envelope.
You should hit the ground running in the first chapter. Consider how much introduction the characters and plot really need. If it takes time to get a scene in motion, start halfway through it. Maybe start with chapter two instead. Why is your book so long anyway? Who really needs the first half? Start the story halfway through. Better yet, start at the end and work your way backwards. Non-linear storytelling is hot and you can edit by constantly rearranging the order of the chapters until it makes sense.
THE FOURTH CHAPTER IS ALSO IMPORTANT
This depends on how long your chapters are, but you will expend so much time and effort getting the first three positively crackling with energy that you will inevitably take your foot off the accelerator and let the whole thing kind of coast for a while. This is bad. This is where you have not just given yourself a break - you have given your reader a break too. There is a very real chance that they will not resume reading after they have been to the loo or gone to the pub or done whatever it is you imagine your imaginary readers do.
The accelerator analogy is apt. Your book should be like the film Speed (but not Speed 2. See later point about boats) in that you want your reader to think they might die if they stop reading it. Do not take this literary advice literally by writing the fourth chapter in the second person and telling your readers that the cover is coated in a highly toxic substance. This would most likely send them first to the hospital and then, in my experience, the police. Instead, write something exciting, or at the very least make it interesting. I shouldn't have to tell you this, but you'd be amazed how many books have seemingly been written without bearing it in mind.
YOUR BOOK IS NOT A BOAT
This section exists mainly as a callback to an earlier cheap gag. That said, your book is not a boat, it's a book. Hang on though - a book that is also a boat could be a popular novelty for people who like to read in the bath. Right, I'm claiming dibs on this idea, so don't get any notions about making a book with an inflatable cover or shaped like a fish. Although on second thoughts you can have the fish idea. That's a whole other thing that I don't want to get into.
THE PLOT SHOULD BE WATERTIGHT
I know I've just said your book is not a boat, but it should go without saying that the plot needs to be watertight. While some of your readers may not notice the more subtle plot holes, they still run the risk of sinking the whole business. Look, okay - maybe your book is a bit like a boat after all.
Test readers are good for spotting flaws in the plot, but ideally you want to deal with them at the planning stage. If you make up the plot as you write, then well done, but you will need to keep your eye on the plot as you go. In either case, you will also want to be careful when editing, because a change of order here, an embellishment there and deletions everywhere can leave the reader without crucial context to make sense of your story. Writing an outline helps, but ultimately the only defence is careful reading of your manuscript, considering what the reader and the characters know at every turn. If you do miss something that is later picked up by readers, there is a potential way out. Simply bluff that you wrote it that way because the ambiguity makes it interesting. In the film world this technique has worked well for Ridley Scott in his recuts of Blade Runner which everyone agrees added ambiguity despite the suggested reading making absolute nonsense of much of the plot.
MAKE A SACRIFICE TO THE ELDER GODS
The UK bookselling world is dominated by Amazon and Waterstones. You could try appealing to them but you are less than an insect on an elephant's back to them. Instead you should appeal to the elder gods. Now almost forgotten, they will hear you much more clearly. Before anyone contacts the police or the RSPCA, I'm not advocating the sacrifice of anything living. Instead it should be something totemic, such as a library card or book token. Place them upon a makeshift altar, douse them in petrol and set fire to them while incanting a prayer to WH Smith.
WRITE ENGAGING CHARACTERS
This may sound a bit similar to the advice about writing something exciting, but there is something more specific about characters. Market research shows that people enjoy characters that they can see themselves in, so try to think about what sort of character your readers would see themselves in. Resist the urge to make the protagonist a wealthy person who spends all their money buying your books because that could get weird and recursive.
There's an old canard about authors basing their characters on people they know. This is of course a terribly embarrassing thing to do, and you should avoid it by basing your characters on people you don't know instead. These tend to be famous people, and as such, the mettle of the personalities has already been tested in the public arena. Alternatively you could devise a character from scratch, but unless you name the derivative one Captain Lames T Berk, I doubt anyone would notice.
INCLUDE THESE ELEMENTS IN YOUR BOOK
Finally, a paper cut from the bleeding edge of modern fiction. I have had a large language model analyse the synopses of the last five years of bestsellers, and had it use that to predict what's going to be hot in the next couple of years. So here, in no particular order (it didn't want to order them no matter how much I begged) is a list of themes, subjects, settings, etc. that will boost your chances of success:
The seasonal change from autumn into winter
Foxes
The number 23
Exactly five bananas
The internet as an allegory for religious doubt
Seismometers
The dollar price of a barrel of oil in 1972
Wealth in a post-capitalist society
Cat videos as blank verse
The last TV programme
Fridge magnets in a world with no fridges
Frank Muir: Lust for Glory
Geiger counters
Gerhard Richter keeps getting the same number
Tech billionaire is sad
Kidderminster
People who work from home and never see anyone
International espionage via internet-enabled fridges
The price of a Tesco meal deal vs the number of people dating via apps
Talking dogs
Sweatshops in the UK
Your dustbin has reported you to the council
What would Garfield do?
Nailing the front door shut from the inside
Telepathic fish
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